Dirty floors

Have you ever mopped the floor, stood back to mop your brow and examine your handy-work, only to have spouse or children or dog run all over it with dirty feet? How did you react? How did you WANT to react?

I have neither spouse nor children. Nor pet, for that matter.

And I am not writing from the exalted position of floor mopper.

I am the dog with dirty paws.

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For several years now I have struggled with sexual addiction. For three years now, I have had moments of victory. Some of those moments even extended into months. 

This is not one of those months. Or even one of those moments.

For the past five weeks, I have jumped feet first into the mire of living in a fantasy world, and all that entails. I won't go into detail. Suffice to say, I am at a low point with myself and with God. As I talked with a dear friend about it, she encouraged me to pray, "God, make me willing." Because at this point, I don't want to turn away from what feels good (in the moment).  I am not willing.

I have been putting on a front, and as a Bible college graduate, I know all the expected answers. I go to church and Bible study. I teach children on Sunday mornings. I encourage others with what I know is True from God's word. Even though I haven't opened my Bible in weeks. But it is all fake.

This past week at Bible study, one of the ladies was talking about the throne room of God, and the confidence we have to approach God.

All I could think was, "But I'll get the floor dirty."

I know what the Bible says: I am forgiven, redeemed, washed and clean. I DO have the confidence to approach the throne of GRACE.

But, honestly, this week I'm not feeling it.