worth it

For several years now I have been battling semi-serious illness. Friends will probably look at that sentence and say I am in denial again. Yes,  I will admit I do not like to deal with unpleasantness and therefore sweep it under the rug until the pile is so large and solid that I crack my shin on it.

Some well-meaning Christian friend told me recently that it is some sin in my life that is causing this on-going problem. This person does not know me well, and perhaps she simply wanted a chance to share what God has been doing in her life. Which she did.

But the statement hurt.

And as we all do, I sought council. From people I thought would agree with me and disagree with her.

Except my very best friend seemed to agree with her. I left that conversation feeling beat up and sad. Thankfully, she is my best friend and also rather wise, and so she called to further the conversation and clarify her position.

Whether or not there is unrepentant sin in my life is something only God can fully address. But, she said, your attitude about the disease DOES reflect a problem within your spirit. You don't ask God for healing, and you delay treatment, because you don't feel you are worth it.

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I think that is true. After contemplating what she said, I think she is right. Who am I to ask God to heal my body? Hasn't He done enough? Daily pain is only what I deserve.

Funny how a statement of abject spiritual poverty can come out of a PRIDEFUL HEART.

I don't deserve a healing touch? Really, on some level, that is a slap in God's face. "You said You love me enough to die for me, but you don't love me enough to do this."

I am NOT saying that God has to prove He loves me by healing me. That is not it at all! But the opposite is also not true. It is not true that God hasn't healed me because He doesn't love me. There may be any number of reasons why God is allowing this, not the least of which would be "for His glory."  I may never know the reasons why. I've always found comfort in Job 38-40, and it applies here:

38 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

² “Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?
³ Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

⁴ “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand.
⁵ Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
    Who stretched a measuring line across it?
⁶ On what were its footings set,
    or who laid its cornerstone—
⁷ while the morning stars sang together
    and all the angels^[a] shouted for joy?

⁸ “Who shut up the sea behind doors
    when it burst forth from the womb,
⁹ when I made the clouds its garment
    and wrapped it in thick darkness,
¹⁰ when I fixed limits for it
    and set its doors and bars in place,
¹¹ when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
    here is where your proud waves halt’?

¹² “Have you ever given orders to the morning,
    or shown the dawn its place,

I have not. But God has. I can take comfort in that!

My value is not based on my sinlessness (which doesn't exist) or my physical ability (which are rather disabilities) but rather on the blood of Christ. What is my value? My value is whatever someone is willing to pay.

God paid with His Son. Whether I choose to believe it or not, God thinks I am worth it.

Open My Eyes

Open my eyes,
That I may see
Glimpses of truth
Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands
The wonderful key,
That shall unclasp
And set me free.

Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit divine!

Clara H. Scott

Psalm 119:18 says, "Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law."

I want to see what is around me. I want to see what God has created, in all of its intended glory and in all of its fallen-state sadness.

These students of mine are wonderful image-bearers. Albeit sinners. How can I help them to reach the glorious potential, the wonderful plan God has for each of them?

This world is filled with the down-trodden and oppressed. They, too, are image-bearers. How can I reach down and help them up? How can I fight the injustice under which they suffer?

This world is a beautiful depiction of God's creativity. Am I truly enjoying it as He wishes?

Oh, God, help me see!



Then help me DO!

knowing

This is a theme that comes back to me again and again: to know and be known.

Implied in this concept is intimacy. If one person truly knows another, there must be some intimacy involved. Intimacy implies going deeper than surface level. Knowing and understanding what makes a person tick, what causes that person to lose sleep at night, what causes him or her to laugh with unfettered joy.

When this concept is applied to people, there is risk involved. We all feel a bit insecure, never quite sure if what will be revealed about us will be shocking to that other person, if it will make that person see us differently, if it will mar the relationship. I don't worry about what some celebrty thinks of me; there is no relationship there. But sometimes I worry about what my sister thinks, or what my friends or colleagues think.

What about with God?




Hmmm. What about it?

With God, there is no risk. He is pefectly understanding, loving, kind. He is neither surprised by the depth of my self-deception nor disappointed by my continual struggles.

And yet it is so overwhelming to think that I can have intimacy with God. That I can be known by God. I want to be known -- we all have that innate desire. But do I really want that?

Or do I only want people to know what I allow them to know?

God knows it all. And loves me anyway!

inside outside upside down

Ever read the Berenstein Bears book called Inside Outside Upside Down? It is a cute book to introduce prepositions, with Brother Bear inside a box, outside on the back of a truck, and eventually upside down.

I have been very inward focused lately. Instead of being focused on others and my interaction with the world. And it has left me feeling upside down.

I have been trudging (good word, trudging) through the murky mud of medical tests, feeling very discouraged, the whole nine yards. My friends are all very supportive, always asking me how things are going, how the latest test turned out, if I need anything. And I am grateful for their kindnesses. But I felt angry this week, thinking, "I am more than this illness! Ask me about what I am reading, what I am learning, what I am doing."

The irony is that I am not doing anything. I have not read my Bible outside of church in I can't say how long. I don't go anywhere. Sadly, my life does revolve around this illness.

But I am the only one who can change that. So I am putting together a perpetual calendar of outward focused things I can do: write to a missionary, call a friend. I need 31 different things for this calendar.

What do you do to take your mind off yourself and focus on God's world and His people around you? Share your ideas!

Let's be outside inside right-side up!

Promises

I am doing a personal in-depth study of the prmises of God. What, exactly, has God promised us? A song by Sanctus Real, recently released, is called "Hold On To the Promises." The bridge of the song recites Romans 8: "neither death nor life can separate us from the love of God."

This is definitely a reassuring promise. Nothing I do or experience will make God love me less.

But I wanted to know what other promises God makes, so I started in Genesis. I determined that there are at least 5 categories of promises in Scripture:

                          * to individuals
                          * to Israel
                          * to Christians
                          * to everyone
                          * promise of consequences

It is this last category I want to discuss. Remember as a kid, your big brother said, "If you don't smell my sweaty socks, I'm going to knock you out."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it's a promise."

God is kinder than my big brother (just slightly!), but I got that impression when I first read Genesis 2:17 -- do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil or you will surely die.

I questioned this. I almost wanted it to not fit into the categories I had assigned, make it not really a promise. Why is the first promise God gives that harsh?

Keep reading...

Genesis 3:15 -- after Adam and Eve sin, God promises a Savior, the first time in Scripture that Jesus is foreshadowed.

Why is God harsh first?

Because if I first don't know I am a sinner, I won't accept the wonderful gift of a Savior.

food and the Spirit

This blog will be reposted at both Transformed and Not By Bread Alone...

This diet that I have been on is both good for me and hard to do, hard to stick to and yet so necessary.

Over the Christmas holidays I ate more bread products and sugar than I should have, though I was still good on the dairy end. By the weekend between Chritmas and New Year's , nearly a week of not eating what I should, I felt it. My joints hurt and my belly revolted. While I could blame the joints on the snowstorm Saturday, there is no reason for my belly except I cheated.

And once again I acknowledged this truth and vowed to eat only what I need to in order to avoid this problem.

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My thought life and spiritual input have been less thans stellar lately. So much so that I am in the dark. I have immersed myself in the equivalent of marshmallows, and sometimes even the equivalent of antifreeze. When I stop long enough to think, I realize I am sad and lonely and unhappy. So I reach for more "marshmallows" to make me feel better, but the results are always the same.

Last night I realized this truth -- again; just as the bread makes my belly hurt, what I have been reading and thinking about is making my heart hurt. And it is a hurt that doesn't work itself out. It needs the grace and intervention of God.

Every time I go through this cycle (I am sooooo like the Israelites in the time of the Judges!), I return, eventually, to 2 Peter 1: 3-9. And it seems each time God emphasizes something different for me to learn.
This time it is verse 4:

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

⁴ Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

Why has He given me his precious promises? Such promises as "I will never leave you or forsake you" and "There is therefore now no condemnation" and "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest."

These promises are so that I can participate in his divine nature and ESCAPE THE CORRUPTION IN THE WORLD CAUSED BY EVIL DESIRES. 

My problem is neither that I like bread, nor that I read what I shouldn't.

My problem -- my sin -- is that I am not fulfilling God's purpose for my life.

Humility

Last week I heard, what for me, is a profound statement: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SAYING THANK YOU AND ACTUALLY MEANING IT.

Sounds obvious.

But how many times do I rattle off a list of things I thank God for: a hot shower and a soft bed and making it through another day with a debilitatingly  painful disease? Am I truly thankful? Do I approach the situation -- thanking God -- with humility?

James 4:6 tells us that God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

The biggest thing I need to overcome in order to be truly humble is . . .




myself.



I need to acknowledge I cannot do it, achieve it, supply it on my own.

I have not been doing this lately. I have been striving with every ounce of my being to gain what I think I need in order to be happy. But God tells me HE is all I need, and He will supply everything else.

Another thought: When Jesus humbled himself, even to death on a cross, it was

a choice
intentional
purposeful
OBEDIENT

I must offer no less when I am humble.