walking in faith

For those that read my last post....I still have a job! The school is open, and we are running on faith. Our small Christian school has no finances to speak of, but we are trusting God.

My question is this:

Is it really faith? Faith in my health will fail me. Faith in friends might fail me. Faith in the government is hit or miss.

But faith in God?

The God of Creation, bigger than the universe, stronger than hurricanes and wild fires, compassionate and loving enough to forgive us of our sin...

There is no doubt. It's a given.

So is it really faith?

strength in vulnerability

For several years I was a slave to the sin of pornography. God was constantly, consistently drawing me back, but it took a few years for me to turn from my sin and seek help. In the spring of 2009, I called a friend of mine from Bible college, who happens to be a Biblical counselor, and asked for help.

The first three months were up and down, like walking down an up escalator. I was on my way up, no doubt about it, but I was choosing again and again to return to my sin.

There was a turning point, a bottom-of-the-barrel moment. They (the ubiquitous "they") say that drug addicts and alcoholics must also reach an absolute low before they can truly recover. My bottom was not a DUI or arrest for narcotics possesion. Mine was knowing God loves me.

He loves me. And He deserves more than I was giving Him. I understood that my life was not glorifying God.  Oh, only 4 people knew of my struggle, but Satan does not always have to destroy us, as Christians -- he only needs to make us ineffective. And I certainly was that.

It was a beautiful August day. I was returning from my counseling appointment, driving along a winding country road on a steep downhill grade. Replaying in my mind the conversation with Faye and berating myself for hiding from her that I had again, just this week, given into temptation and spent time in fantasizing. Feeling guilt, self-disgust, self-loathing.

Wanting simply to die.

Because, certainly, God doesn't want me living this way and I am not helping spread the Kingdom, so why not end it.

And I was driving along a cliff, the perfect opportunity right outside my window.

But I had a visiioin of my family: father, mother, sister, brothers, in-laws and nephews, all looking at me in my coffin. No one in my family has accepted the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross, though over the years they have become less adamant when telling me they don't want to hear it. But I saw them at my funeral, looking at the results of suicide and saying, "She followed God and this is what it got her. I'm not following that God." And turning away.

Oh God, save me! I don't want that!

That was my bottom. And unfathomable victory followed.

For several months, at least. Until the following February. Within one work-week, I had three different people offer to help me with my job. This should not, necessarily cause one's world to flip upside down. However, when one's job is one's security and that foundation is shaken -- because they wouldn't be offering "help" if I wasn't doing it wrong -- then it becomes a problem.

Did you pick up on that? when one's job is one's security

And I stumbled. Fell. Hard. It took me nearly nine months to again reach that place of victory. I'm actually not sure I've ever really gotten back. Certainly I still struggle more than I wish I did.

Why such a long description and explanation of something from over 2 years ago?

Because today I will learn whether or not I lose my job. Through no fault of my own. Simply another casualty of the economy.

I am scared. I am a single woman with working disability. I won't find another job, and I won't get unemployment because you have to be willing and able to work any job and not quit, and can I survive on disability alone? I don't know what comes next.

But for God's glory: I have not returned to the false comfort of sin. For several days now my prayer has been, "I am frightened. Help me to trust you."

God is not demanding fearlessness. He is not wagging a disappointed finger at me for admitting my fear. He simply wants me to turn to Him with it. It provides Him with the opportunity to show His care, guidance, mercy, and power.

I am in a vulnerable spot right now. The idea of the knight in shining armor to carry me from all my troubles is a temptation. But I am on my guard. Prayer and Scripture are the immovable rock in the stormy sea.

That is my strength in the midst of vulnerability.

All of Me

I continue to struggle with addiction. My "drug of choice" is not alcohol or heroin or prescription pain killers. My drug of choice is pornography. I am a young single woman who, when on a binge, will spend hours a day fantasizing about a husband who does not exist. I used to console myself that at least, in my fantasies, he and I are both Christians and married. But in all honesty, it is still sin.

An idol I have created for myself.

Something I have placed above God and more important than knowing God and obeying Him.

In my fantasies I have imagined my wedding. My vows include something to the effect that he gives me everything -- security and love and joy. So my response is to give him "all of me. Today and for the rest of my life, all of me."

Awww. How sweet.


This week in church we sang a Phillips, Craig, and Dean song, "You are God Alone."

You are not a god created by human hands.
You are not a god dependant on any mortal man.
You are not a god in need of anything we can give
By your plan, that's just the way it is.

I create those fantasies; I cannot create God -- He is too kind, loving, forgiving, and holy for me to contemplate, let alone mainpulate and control.

God gives me everything: security, salvation, hope, life -- th very breath I breathe. God does not need anything I could give.

And yet...

He wants all of me.

Dear Lord, let this ever be my prayer: all of me. Today and for the rest of my life, all of me.

Part of a Whole

I grew up in a liturgical church. Every week I would sit in the shiny wooden pew, sing the same songs and recite the same prayers in unison with the rest of the congregation. To this day, I can recite creeds and sing kyries even though I left that church nearly 20 years ago. I always felt that the point of church was lost if I could recite those words at any given moment -- the meaning of them was lost, and it was one of the reasons I left that church.

I began a saving relaionship with Jesus Christ in 1994 and joined an "independent" church. No liturgy here! I no longer live in that town, and the church I attend now could be described as having contemporary worship with orthodox teaching. I love my church, but there is a drawback: as a 1000+ congregation with two buildings and five services, one tends to get lost in the crowd.

Yesterday I attended a Catholic mass with a friend, as I am staying with her while on vacation. I knew neither the prayers nor the order of service. On one hand I felt very out of place, very isolated.

But as I sat in that shiny wooden pew, I realized the unison is a reflection of the UNITY. I walked away with a sense of where I fit in the bigger picture: a landscape of waving golden wheat and a line of trees to buffer the wind and fluffy clouds floating  in a blue sky is not unlike the growth of the Christian in fertile soil with friends to help block the wind and the saints who have gone before cheering us on. In that litugical service yesterday I realized I am part of something bigger, something that crosses borders and epochs, something that is united by Who we worship more than it is divided by how we worship.

And what about being able to recite a creed at the drop of a hat? Oh, what a blessing! No matter where I am, no matter how my mind is wandering where it shouldn't or my actions reflect the world more than the Word -- I have truth at the tip of my tongue. I could do the same thing with Scripture; it is only a matter of repetition, and then I would have that Truth, too, on the tip of my tongue.

When I retrun home in another week or so, I will return to my church. I will look around the room with new eyes: we are just a small part of a large family who, every minute of every day, somewhere someone -- many someones -- are worshiping the Lord of All. My church service might not look like yours, but our God is the same!

God as my Father

Today is Father's Day, and the Pastor connected his sermon to it. Our church has been doing the E100 series -- the 100 essential passages of Scripture. Today was "the Fall of Israel", but Pastor actually talked about David's last words to Solomon and how to be a godly man.

I am a single woman, and so after the service I thought about what he said in terms of God as the ultimate man.  Of course, God exemplifies perfectly everything Pastor said a man should be.

A real man...


Rejects Passivity. In human terms, this means a real man is going to lead, take an active role in his family, whether that includes children or not.

What about God? How does He show this quality?

He saw my sin, my distance from Himself. He could have said, "She made her bed, now let her lie in it. She can serve her own punishment." Instead, He sent His Son to live on earth and die on a cross for my sin. God took the steps necessary to bridge the distance. And He continues to reach for me when I am far from Him. He is anything but passive!


Accepts Responsibility. In human terms, a husband and father will carry his share of the burden of a family. He will sacrifice his own desires -- a game of golf or a night at the bar or workworkwork -- to do what is right for his family.

God accepted responsibility for my sin when Jesus died on the cross.



Leads Courageously. Men are called to be courageous. Casting Crowns sings a beautiful song to that effect.

Jesus leads the way. We can read in the Gospels the accounts of how He lived and walked and loved the people around Him. We can follow that example, as well as the example of other believers who have gone before us.



Invests Eternally. God wants men to think about the long term, the big picture. It is not just about disciplining a son or daughter's misbehavior. It is as much about raising them to be godly men and women. Fatherhood is not only about working to provide food, shelter, and clothing. It is also about investing in their lives, knowing their interests, caring about them as people.

And doesn't God do this beautifully? He is always reminding me of the big picture -- "It's not about you, my dear child. It is about My love, My glory. My plan of salvation through all of history." And the lesson He teaches me today is not only about today but should have and will have a future and eternal impact if I keep my eyes on Him.

the unadorned

I listen to a radio station that calls itself "uplifting and encouraging." For the most part, I would not disagree.

However, I don't understand how it is considered encouraging when a Christian who wins an award or some sort of recognition publicly offers praise to God. I don't find this encouraging because I think we would all do that -- "Everyone is watching, so I need to do what I know I should."

No, I am more encouraged by the unassuming, the unnoticed, the unadorned:

The stay at home mom who faithfully models the fruits of the Spirit to her children

The husband and father who walks with intergrity as he leads his family in a godly path

The Christian school teacher

The nursery worker at church

The conscientious neighbor who looks in on the elderly






These are the ones I find encouraging....





Because this is what, after nearly 20 years of walking with the Lord, I still fail to do.  I would do it publicly; of course, I would!

But very few people get saved because a celebrity praises God. At best, seeing someone they admire for singing talent or atheticism give Jesus Christ a shout-out, a Seeker will find someone in his acquaintance who he thinks already knows God and he will start asking questions. It is most often the neighbors, the coworkers, the bowling buddies, who lead others to Christ.




The unadorned are like the witnesses in Hebrews 12 -- they have gone before. Not that they have died already, but that they have walked this path of integrity -- doing what you would do when everyone was looking even if no one is looking. They turn to us and beckon, "Come on, you can do it! See, we have. With God's help and grace, you can, too!"

That is why the unadorned are so encouraging.

living in Saturday

Jesus died on Friday, the afternoon before the Sabbath began. The sky went dark and He said, "It is finished." By this we know our sins are forgiven.

Tomorrow we celebrate His resurrection and the promise of our own. One day we, too, will be holy and perfected, standing before God's throne.

But today....

Today is Saturday.

The day the tomb was not empty. The day Jesus' body was in its shroud in the hollowed out rock.

The day our sins were forgiven but glory had not yet come.




And that is where we are living. In Saturday. We have the promise of glory, but we are still waiting. We look at our lives and wonder when we will ever get it together. We look at the world around us and cry out over the pain and anguish and death.

Romans 7: 14-24

 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good.  So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

Praise the Lord! Sunday is coming!

Romans 7: 25- 8: 3

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh

Or, the way I memorized vs. 3: For what the law was powerless to do, in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did!

I can't wait for Sunday!